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Once you get a tattoo it's, for the most part, always going to be there. Did you ever consider that self-esteem was like that; once you have it it's always going to be there? Not so. Self-esteem ebbs and wanes depending on how we nurture it. (Hint: how we talk to the 'self.')
My son was four when he gave the barber his formula for growing thick hair. "I water it every day." Have you noticed some days you are more confident than others? Our self-esteem has to be "watered" every day.
Our respect for self needs special attention in times of stress. This past year has been challenging for me. Yes, even we old, wise ones struggle at times-even when we know better. Sometimes it's hard to give up our illusions and truly deal with the reality of aging, chronic disease, challenging relationships and career changes-CHANGE.
I've often joked, "Leave me to my illusions." Illusions serve a purpose. They protect us when things are too painful. When we just can't take something in, we often distract ourselves in some way. The wife who finds lipstick on her husband's collar may think, "I'm sure that's his mother's shade of pink." The man who sees his supervisor becoming more distant, perhaps being asked to train someone to do his job, may comfort himself with the illusion that the company is expanding rather than face the possibility he is about to be replaced.
I always beg my pedicurist to shave my calluses; of course she won't do it. (The state of Ohio doesn't permit – plus I have diabetes.) She tells me that calluses are there for a reason. They protect us from whatever caused them. If we didn't have the ability to grow tough skin we would be subject to serious injuries.
We have all developed behaviors that protect us. Some are very ingrained. The young woman, who aims to please EVERYone, may be in the habit of doing so because that's how she escaped abuse as a child. Sometimes the insulation is temporary, just for the present trauma, others become lifelong HABITS. Illusions serve a purpose but if worn too long, "Illusions tend to produce passive behaviors or the unrealistic need to control things that are out of our control." (PORTABLE THERAPIST, by Susanna McMahon) The trick of course is knowing when to take off the blinders and deal with what's real. Our task is to find the balance between needed self-protection and healthy acceptance and management.
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