Q and A

Q: "I am all the things the workbook says, caring, loving, smart, sensitive, etc-but I find people take advantage of me. How do I change that? Or is the answer that I have to change-Don't be caring, loving, smart anymore?"

A: You are Correct! You will be the one to change, however, all can be achieved without becoming uncaring, mean, unkind. As lesson 4 taught me, I can't change anyone else. I am only in control of what I think, say and do. You can change in a way that is assertive but still be kind, caring and loving-I promise! It's just a matter of learning how to be kindly, but firmly, assertive.

I recently heard or read, there are only 3 "businesses:" God's business, Someone else's business and My business. The things I have no control over are God's business, the things that are up to someone else are their business. I am only in charge of My business, those things that I have control of. I have taken to telling myself to, "Mind my own business!"

I can't change the driver of the semi that turned in front of me last night. I felt like I was suddenly in a game of croquet, I was the ball and his trailer was the hoop. I couldn't change him even if I'd chased him down and given him a hand signal through the sunroof. I can't make him into a courteous, caring driver. I can't mind his business. I can only mind my driving and do what I need to do to be safe. Getting my liver in a knot is not going to change him, but it could hurt me. I took a deep breath, and minded my own business. Interesting, three, yes-I said three, more drivers pulled out in front of me or turned in front of me in an unsafe manner following the first incident. Perhaps the first "almost," was a warning about what was to come. Perhaps because I took it as a "message"... I heeded a "message" that saved me from harm. Who knows?

Back to your question... No one can use you without your cooperation. You are saying, "yes" to things you don't agree with, nor want to do. Review lessons 4 and 7. Read an extra book on the subject of boundaries. BETTER BOUNDARIES, by Black and Enns, might be a good choice.

Quiz yourself as to what you are really looking for when you say, "Yes." Do you suffer from the "disease to please?" Are you "looking for love in all the wrong places?"

I am still working on me (note driving issues). I hope you will continue to keep your commitment to work on you. I believe in you!

P.S. I am going to read, RAMBAM'S LADDER during the holiday. It is an eight-step program for giving. Rambam or Maimonides, was a philosopher in the 12th century. After much thinking (that's what philosophers do) about the quandary "better to give than receive," he came up with an actual hierarchy of giving. (I guess we analytical people could attach a new "label?") Julie Salamon wrote the book and I understand it is a quick read filled with personal stories to illustrate the eight steps.