FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

Dear Carolyn,

"...I left my boyfriend of 4 years a couple of weeks ago and I am having so much anxiety from it I am really having a hard time. I know that I should not be with this person anymore. ...now that I have left him I see that he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me-he put me down every chance he got. ...it wasn't a healthy relationship at all- I know this - but I am having such a hard time with this loss.

I am (about 30) from a divorced family, was with a verbally abusive gambler for 9 years previous to this 4 year relationship...I've never been alone in my life...

I know this is part of the Resisting Change part of the program; I was actually going through that part of the program when I decided to leave him. I know that I was staying in a bad relationship because of my anxiety. I know that this is the best thing I could ever do - to get away from this mean person- but I still feel sooooo bad, I feel alone, I feel depressed and I feel afraid...I need some help right now.

Signed,
Blue

Congratulations for beginning to love yourself and acknowledging, by your brave actions, your worthiness!

Briefly: Of course you are "blue," this is a loss. Some would argue that, but I know you must have seen his good qualities too. After 9 years or 4 years, there are some good memories. Take those with you, but don't let them overshadow the negatives.

You say, "never having been alone is part of the problem." You are correct. How will you ever know Who you are, What you Want, What your Rules (philosophy of life) are... and IF you don't know those things you will continue to choose, 'babymen' (sorry, that's what I call them).

Men/Women who constantly try to put their partners down are coming from very insecure places. They have to climb on the bodies of others in order to be tall.

We often choose friends, spouses from our needs...looking to complete ourselves. What if we became whole and therefore chose Whole people??? I encourage you to get to know the Real YOU. Begin to heal the holes in you so you won't need to find someone to "fit." You are looking for a partner, not a daddy, babysitter...

You are not as angry with the partners you've chosen, as you are angry with yourself for having stayed. I applaud you for your courage. Dr. Laura said something once that really stuck with me, "A healthy woman can not Love a bad man." It really comes back to us doesn't it? Remember you are healthy and you have life management skills like never before!

Proud of you Blue,
Carolyn

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