by Carolyn Dickman
Back in the 70’s the philosophy of getting anger out became very popular. We were told that holding it in would cause any number of cataclysmic results. So, I decided I would start to get this anger out. A friend told me that I should punch a pillow or throw a tissue box on the floor…didn’t sound like quite enough passion to me but what the heck, I’d ruined both wrists pounding on cupboard doors - I decided to give it a try.Consequences of Angry Behavior
Sure enough, my son left me a practice opportunity in his bedroom. What dirt! What chaos! I certainly was angry, so I decide to practice my new emotional technique. I took a firm grip on the broom handle I was holding and raised it above my head with the goal to whack his bed a good one. Unfortunately, I did not account for the chandelier…Whack, went to shatter, and glass rained on my head. That evening as I sat in bed reading I scratched my head and cut my finger. It seemed that the new thinking was not meant for me. So much for the philosophy of releasing anger.Practicing Anger Increases Angry Behavior
Many years later I remembered the now funny incident as Dr. Fisher told us that practicing angry behavior only helps us get good at - angry behavior. Whatever we practice… we get good at. This is true of emotions too. If you practice anger, you just increase angry behavior.I’ve had people tell me they’ve felt so bad about themselves for so long that they’d lost all hope of being able to change. It was as if they couldn’t stand one more critic. Yes, it’s tough seeing the REAL you, but the only way we can change anything is to own it. I did not think I was an angry person. Anger is not nice. Anger is not lady-like. Anger is out of control. Out of control is a forbidden, scary feeling. Anger feels bad… I already felt bad - why invite more by facing this flaw?
Anger can motivate us toward good acts; it can also destroy relationships and us. Peace of mind is all I ever prayed for in the dark days. Anger, the way I experienced it, was stressful, anxiety producing and depressing. It was an emotion that caused nothing but pain in my life.
Anger is a Decision
How many times do we set ourselves up for anger…it is a DECISION. There is no, “He made me. She made me. It made me.” We decide how we react.Using Anger in Positive Ways
Is there such a thing as justifiable anger? I think so; after all it’s a human emotion. Anger and other negative emotions can be used in positive ways. Even Jesus was angry – only once that we know of – but it is part of His story.I remember the story of a young priest. His “beat” was the streets of New York City. This brand new idealist was at a loss when one night he tripped over a small boy sleeping on an open grate trying to absorb some of the heat from the subway below. He raised his face and his fists and shouted, “Why, why God do you allow such things?” He remembers an answering voice in his head, clearly not his own, “I didn’t. I created YOU.”
Choosing How to Use and Manage Anger
I seldom get angry any more. Starving children, abused children (and I must be honest-some driving styles), can lead me to a passionate response. But if I DO NOTHING about the children, they will remain hungry. Anger is a decision and so is what we do after the emotion.Week Six, lesson 6, of The Midwest Center's Attacking Anxiety & Depression Program, will lead you to a freedom, a peace that you will treasure forever. MANAGING anger begins with recognizing the very first body symptoms that precede “full-tilt” anger.
From recognition, we proceed to acceptance and decision-making. How do I want to proceed? Do I want to experience an emotion negatively or positively? Lesson six gives us some cut-off techniques, practice them, play with them.
Recording Your Anger
Some goals: keep track of anger this week, how many times, what kind (old – new?), what was the trigger? What was the FEAR? Fear is often at the source of anger. Pausing to discover the fear that anger covers up has been very helpful. This step literally changes my state of mind. I shift to what my real concern is and that puts me in a problem-solving mode instead of a snit. I begin to focus on solving the problem instead of needlessly being mad about it. Rate the degree of anger (from mild to nuclear/out of control). It is important for you to honestly define each level you personally experience, what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like.Record yourself in a rant - Dare ya.’ Behaviorists tell us that by the age of four we should have learned how to control rages and tantrums. If you are four today, at least warn the rest of us.
Keeping Angering Events in Perspective
I remember the week that I was on this lesson for the first time. I decided I would count to ten, breathe 2/4, and really think before reacting out of anger. With six kids, the nightly glass of spilled milk happened. My usual reaction would have been appropriate for red wine on a $100 tablecloth. As the milk dripped through the crack in the center of the table, I counted, I breathed, I asked myself if it was worth dying for. Is it really getting angry about when being mad feels so bad? I decided in the grand scheme of things I probably wouldn’t even remember spilled milk some day. At that point I noticed six whiplashes at the table. Their big eyes asked, “What’s wrong with Mom!?”It’s a bit sad to think of all the times I’d frightened them. The good news: it wasn’t too late to show them the good anger management skills and good life management skills I learned from The Attacking Anxiety & Depression Program and to apologize.
Take Gentle care of yourself this week,
Carolyn
