As we move toward fall, I find myself looking at my oldest child with mixed emotions. She is 17 years old, a senior in high school, and making plans to go off to college…somewhere. I am excited for her and “anxious” about it at the same time.
I am very proud of her. She is a smart, confident, motivated young woman. She is a leader. She is president of many things at her school and she is in all honors and AP classes. Brittany has done so many cool things at her young age. She is so much more “worldly” than I was at her age, or than I am now for that matter! I think she is amazing. She has a dazzling smile and a way with people. She is tall, strong, and beautiful. She has founded organizations at her school that have changed lives. She has gotten “mostly” A’s in the most challenging classes. And yet, the ultimate question…Will she get into the college of her choice? Does she have any control over it? Does it really matter anyway? Do I encourage or discourage her desire?
Feeling Anxiety for Your Children
For those of you who have children who have made this journey, I am sure you understand. It’s tough, quite a bit tougher than when we went to college. And oh, the school work and pressure these days. If it doesn’t make her anxious, it certainly does me. I don’t know how these kids do it. No wonder they are stressed out and exhausted all the time. And yet, it’s never enough.They have to be excellent students. Giving up because of the stress and anxiety that it causes is not an option for them if they want rewarding careers. Plus, they have to be in sports and be a strong athlete, and they have to be in music. Oh, and did I mention it helps if they discovered the cure for SARS? Now, that’s pressure!
Focusing on Now Instead of the Future
I remember a night toward the end of her junior year when she said, “Mom, I’m class President, I’m chairing the magazine drive, the talent show, the junior/senior prom, (etc., etc.) All this work, I’d better get into the colleges I want.” I thought for a moment and this is what I told her. I suggested she stop living in the future. It’s not about what should or might happen. It’s about right now. It’s about having the best possible high school junior year experience. It’s about being there because you want to be, not because it’s a means to an end. Do what you want because it interests you, because you feel it in your heart, and the rest will work out. Enjoy this moment, this experience. Don’t focus so much on the future. Plan for it, but live in the now.That’s also the best way to resist anxiety. Anxiety depends on us to concentrate on the what-ifs of the future. It grows when we think about the future because we can’t control it. We can only control our choices now to reduce anxiety.
Looking to the Future with Confidence and Optimism
I know it must be hard for our kids to look to the future with confidence and optimism. What about the economy? What about terrorism? And when they get out of college, what then? Can they get a job? Will they live as well as their parents? There are so many things that they could be anxious about, who knows what they worry about?Brittany actually has a friend who won’t apply to an east coast school because he saw a special on (I think) the Discovery Network, about the possibility of a tidal wave taking out the east coast sometime in the next one hundred years! Letting such a small possibility have such a large impact on your life is a sign that anxiety is taking over your life.
Staying in the Present Instead of Letting Anxiety Run Your Life
It all comes back to anxiety. Anxiety related to expectations; theirs, ours, the worlds. I am trying to help my daughter to understand that she will have a great life no matter where she goes to school because she is motivated and excited about life. She doesn’t need to experience anxiety. I try to help her learn that extremely important lesson, one that took me so long to figure out: Be here now. Live in the moment while you plan for the future. Be grateful, have fun, and be happy. Be free from worry and anxiety when things are out of your control.This is her senior year. She will never live this experience again. I hope she makes the most of this special year. I know I will. This Thanksgiving and Christmas, somewhere in my heart, I know that these will be the last with her as my “little girl.” Just recently I put up some Halloween decorations. I get a little crazy around the holidays and always go overboard in the decorating department. I can’t help it! Although she didn’t say anything, I think I detected a smile. I guess that’s the best you can do when you’re “almost 18 years old.”
Until next time,
Lucinda
