by Paul Coleman, Psy.D.
Most people who suffer with Panic Disorder are charming, bright, creative, and enjoyable to have around. And yet, many of these same people struggle to find genuine, fulfilling levels of intimacy in their lives. There are two fundamental reasons for this:1. Certain personality qualities that make them wonderful to be around also interfere with achieving higher levels of intimacy.
2. Stress associated with having Panic Disorder or Agoraphobia can reduce intimacy with those they are closest to.
How People-Pleasers Turn Strengths into Weaknesses
People who get panic symptoms are often “people-pleasers.” People-pleasers are very accommodating and willing to over-function in a relationship. They give and give and eventually feel hurt and resentful that they are not getting enough back. They set themselves up for rejection every time because they focus so much on the other person that they never have a chance to feel loved.Typically, our personality “weaknesses” are often our strengths that we have stretched too far. Being thoughtful and considerate and compassionate are strengths. Routinely putting aside your needs for others can make you insecure, hurt, and resentful. All of these feelings interfere with intimacy.
Fear Stifles Intimacy
Genuine intimacy gets stifled when one is afraid of conflict or afraid of losing approval. People–pleasers sacrifice their own needs and feelings, often out of a need for love and approval, and feel insecure as a result. They might please someone else, but the people around them often never know who they really are. They never know if people like them for who they really are or because they are so accommodating. That is when learning to be appropriately assertive comes in.Defining your needs and wants and being willing to assert yourself so needs are met fairly is a way of carving out a separate “self.” You must have a true self for someone else to be intimate with. If you hide your true self because of fear, panic, or anxiety, then it is impossible for anyone to get to know you.
The Cycle of Chronic Anxiety and Low Intimacy
The strain of chronic anxiety can affect intimacy levels at home. Partners often grow weary of the ways anxiety has interfered with home life. But a reduction in intimacy can inflame anxiety symptoms, which further reduces intimacy. Couples need to find enjoyable time together where anxiety symptoms are not the centerpiece if they want to maintain a healthy, balanced relationship.Breaking the Cycle of Panic and Anxiety in Relationships
Thoughtful gestures, kind words, and physical affection are vital. Also, cut each other slack when one of you gets cranky or frustrated by the anxiety symptoms. Improved intimacy adds to a sense of security and can make the process of overcoming panic and fear a lot easier. Blaming someone for their frustration can make them feel insecure and more prone to the symptoms that prevent intimacy.Paul Coleman is a prolific writer. One of Midwest Center’s favorites is “Life’s Parachutes.” His newest book is “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy.” You can learn more at:
www.paul-coleman.com
