Stages of Grief

Normal and Unavoidable Life Process

At some point in our lives, everyone experiences the most painful aspect of life: grief and loss. Whether the result of losing a family member, friend, pet, or even a job, we all experience some form of loss and the resulting grief. Extent and depth of pain can last for months to years in congruence with our attachment to who or what we have lost. The experience can be unbearable, but it is also a healing process. For years, therapists have made reference to five stages of grief, here we will review the five stages. Everyone handles grief differently, and these stages are not necessarily linear in experience, but here is some information so that you can know what to expect.

Five Stages

1. Denial: It is hard to believe what has happened when someone is gone. It always feels as though, at any moment, the phone might ring, or the sound of footsteps around the corner will signal the return of our lost loved ones. Some people won’t allow others to refer to the deceased as “gone”, and may even speak of the one whom they lost as though they were conversing with the deceased earlier that day. This is normal behavior. If someone persists in a state of denial for more than a year, it could be considered a problem.
2. Anger: This is probably the stage of grief that causes the deepest and longest-lasting pain. Anger inflicts the most severe and permanent wounds. We question the justice of our god and seek a reason for what we perceive to be punishment. Or we find someone to blame, and exert far too much emotional energy nursing grudges against whomever we believe has wronged us. The sooner you learn to let go of the anger, the sooner you can begin to heal.
3. Bargaining: As strange as it seems, we actually try to make deals in the effort to regain what we have lost. Some people try to replace those whom they have lost far too soon after losing them. This can have dramatically negative results; as reality sets in, both people end up hurting profoundly.
4. Depression: This is the most dangerous stage of grief. Everyone who experiences loss will go through a stage of depression. The longevity of the depression is directly determined by the closeness of the attachment. However, it is important to remember that the guilt that you feel when you are first able to laugh again, is of your own design. The one who has gone will no longer share your joy in a physical sense, but that does not mean that they would want you to spend the rest of your life avoiding moments of joy or amusement in their honor. Most people want to be remembered for the good times that we shared with them, and would much rather see us smiling than crying. Unless there is an apparent escalation to symptoms of clinical depression, it is best to allow people their space and time to work through this stage of grief.
5. Acceptance:  Acceptance is coming to terms with the fact that no amount of denial, bargaining, anger or depression will change the state of reality. What is gone is gone, but not forgotten. This is not a good or bad thing, it simply is what it is. Life will go on and there will be joy in our lives again, and we can go on to bring joy to the lives around us once more.